April 27, 2022
I had my head examined this morning, more specifically my eyes. Which means my pupils were dilated, which means you need sunglasses indoors for about 6 hours. They gave me these cool “temporary” sunglasses. They work like old camera film that rolls up like a spring and sticks to your head by pressure.
Since I wasn’t going to be able to finish my yard work without a welder’s mask I decided to go to Sam’s. I am a sucker for a deal and you can buy a rotisserie chicken the size of a small ostrich for five dollars there.
I step into Sam’s and pull the glasses off but I find they have enough fluorescents in the ceiling to light up Yankee Stadium. They hit me in the eyes the way a cop’s spotlight would get you when you were teenager out parking with your girlfriend on Saturday night. (Not that that ever happened, I only mention it for comparison,)
So I am fumbling around trying to get the plastic shades to stick to my head again. Everything is so bright I am snow blind bumping into shelves and people like a robotic vacuum cleaner. I expected a Boy Scout to show up anytime and offer to help me through the store.
I finally get the eye protectors back on and I notice people are glancing my way and then avoiding eye contact as if my fly was open. (I checked, it wasn’t) I had the plastic film on upside down so not only do I appear blind but drunk too.
I was out in the middle of the floor where it is the brightest with the most people so I duck down one of the isles. The isles are much dimmer. So dim that with the glasses on I can barely read any labels without picking the item up and holding it two inches from my face.
Anyway that is the way it went throughout the store. I got my chicken, a bag of blueberries big enough to last till Bernie Sanders runs for president again, a big bag of precooked bacon (Life is too short to wait for your bacon to cook in the morning.). There are 72 slices in the bag. I know that sounds like a lot but after all bacon is the new salt.